Dear Wagon: Summertime Blues Help Needed

Dear Off the Wagon,

Summer boredom is setting in. Most of my college friends went home. There are only a few of us left taking some classes and working a few hours. There are definitely no big parties going on. Any ideas how we can introduce some fun to some unhappy summer students?

Sincerely,
Suffering from the Summertime Blues


Dear Suffering,

Two words: BACON PARTY!!

1. Food: Bacon, of course! Whip up some spiced bacon bites, bacon puffs, and chicken & bacon tidbits. For dessert, why not serve some Gummy Bacon? We also suggest some heart medication be available just in case.

2. Decorations: Keep it simple. Slap a few Bacon Bandages on the walls and on yourself to create the fun mood of the evening. Save a few to offer guests as they arrive so they can feel festive, too.

3. Games: The most obvious choice is Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure. You and 3 of your friends will be laughing as you play this bacon-meets-Candyland board game. After that, how about a good old-fashioned game of spin the bottle? How does this fit in with the bacon theme you may ask? Simple. Give all of your guests a tube of Bacon Lip Balm and tell them to pucker up.

Have fun and don't forget to post pictures of your Bacon Party on our Facebook page.

Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve humorously? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!

Dear Wagon: Frustrated to be Home with Little Brother

Dear Off the Wagon,

I can't believe it. While I was away at college, my parents let my fifteen year old brother move into my bedroom at home! Now that I'm home for the summer, he's refusing to move out. I'm not moving into his tiny little hole of a room. I want my big room back.

Help!
Frustrated to Be Back Home


Dear Frustrated,

Wow, that's tough. It's certainly hard to go from the freedom of college life to living back at home for the summer. Having to share your room with a little brother--or move into a smaller room--that's just plain torture. Don't worry. We can help.

The solution is as easy as buying the Revenge CD. Act like you're cool with bunking up with your little bro. Then every time he goes into the room, follow him in and play it. We highly recommend playing the violin practice track over and over while he's in there trying to chill or talk to friends on the phone. At night, just as he's about to fall to sleep, pop on the drill and train tracks.

Don't worry, it won't be a nuisance to you. The CD comes with earplugs, so you can rest easy while his little ears writhe in agony.

When he complains (we estimate three days of this treatment will have him complaining like a three year old who just skinned his bare knees on the sidewalk), tell him he's welcome to move back into his room for the summer. And offer him some Cat Butt Gum as a parting gift.

Good luck!

Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve humorously? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!

Dear Wagon: Curious About Giant Microbes

Dear Wagon,

I don't have a problem, just a question. Why do people buy Giant Microbes? I mean, who buys them, and what do they do with them?

Sincerely,
Curious in Kent


Dear Curious,

Ah yes, plush microbes! What's not to love? They're cute, cuddly, and educational. We've sold some to science teachers, doctors, college students, teens, and even grandmothers. As for what these folks do with them, here are some of the best ideas we've heard.

1. A woman bought a stuffed chlamydia plush toy to give to her boyfriend with a Dear John letter. We hear it was very effective.

2. A student who was placed on academic probation at KSU bought HIV to give to his parents when they came for a visit. He told them he had bad news, then gave them the plush microbe to open. Once they were crying and promising to support him through it all no matter what it took, he told them about his bad performance at college. They were so relieved he wasn't sick, they took him out to dinner to celebrate.

3. A teen bought a cuddly E. Coli friend to give to the lunch lady at his school to show her there were no hard feelings about the recent vomiting and stomach pains he had experienced after lunch one afternoon.

4. A grandmother bought the swine flu to give as her "secret sister" gift in her bridge club. The woman she was assigned was Jewish, so she thought this gift would acknowledge the wisdom of not eating pork.

5. A mother bought some herpes, HPV, and mono plush microbes to decorate her 13 year old daughter's room. "The colors look so nice on her bed. Plus, they will send my daughter a gentle reminder of what she doesn't need to be doing and why," they mother commented.

So as you can see, the possibilities are endless. Who wouldn't want a Giant Microbe? We'd love to hear what others do with their Giant Microbes! Tell us!


Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve humorously? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!

Broke & Hungry College Student in Kent Seeks Help

Dear Wagon,

I'm broke. See, I'm a college student, and it's that time of year where I've already spent all the extra cash my parents expected to last me until the end of May. I'd rather starve (which I'm actually doing at this point) than call my parents and ask for money to finish out the year. Any ideas on how to make my last $20 make it to the end of the school year?

Thanks,
Broke & Hungry in Kent


Dear Broke & Hungry,

We understand very well the situation you're in. Don't worry, we have a three-step approach to get you through the last weeks of college with only $20 to your name.

(1) First, spend a few bucks on some Ramen noodles. They're cheap, and they'll give you the energy and practice you're going to need for the second part of the plan.

(2) Get a Freeloader Fork. With this fork, you'll be able to swipe some snacks from friends when they're sitting across the table. They will never know it was you, if you're smart about it. Practice at home with your Ramen noodles. Place a bowl at different distances around your place and practice twirling and taking noodles with the fork extended at different lengths. When you're confident with your new stealthy food-swiping tool, go out to a restaurant with some friends. Tell them you're not hungry, so you're not ordering. Then once the conversation starts flowing, use your fork to abscond with some bites when no one is paying attention. This plan should work a couple of times at least, if you don't get too greedy.

(3) In between meals, keep your lips coated with Bacon lip balm. A little lick now and again just might trick your brain into thinking it's receiving some real nourishment. Plus, it will help hide the cracking and peeling of your lips that malnutrition can cause.

Good luck!


Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve humorously? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!

Revenge for Wedgies: April Fool's Day

ATTENTION ANYONE WHO HAS EVER RECEIVED A WEDGIE.

Your day for revenge is soon upon us! April Fool's Day is almost here! Show that big brother who is boss now! Sure, he may have given you permanent elastic marks in embarrassing areas, but you can have the last laugh with this one-two punch:

1. Fake Beer: Invite your victim over for a nice, cold drink at the end of a hard day. Mix this powder into water to serve your brother a realistic looking beer. As you enjoy your beverage, watch him start to spit and sputter because his beer tastes like soapy dishwater.

2. Fish Candy: As you're trying not to laugh about the fake beer, offer your victim a piece of candy to get the taste out of his mouth. Once he gets a solid taste of this fishy confection, he will be reaching for the fake beer again! (Or just place the candy in a bowl and wait for one lucky person to pick it!)

So a wedgie-giving brother is not your problem? It's your sister who always borrows your clothes without asking? Or you're annoyed with a boss who sits in a comfy leather chair that costs more than you make in a month? Try this gag: Chewed Gum. Put this fake chewed gum with an adhesive back on your roommate's favorite sweater or on your boss's leather chair. Wait until you hear the shriek before you come to investigate. Mention that your heard how peanut butter--lots of it--will break down the bubble gum. Offer to go get a jar so you can laugh freely out of ear shot.

If a roommate is the one you'd like to target, may we suggest a Fake Parking Violation? This prank works especially well in crowded parking lots or when someone has to park on the street. Its bright neon orange color is sure to get a stomach-dropping reaction. Then ask your roommate for the $20 she owes you.

Be careful, though. Playing such pranks may inspire others to retaliate. So I'd check the toilet seat very carefully before sitting down, if I were you.

Sober Fun for St. Patrick's Day

Dear Wagon,

I'm a college student who doesn't like beer. Shocking, I know. Here's my problem. St. Patrick's Day is only a few days away. Everyone I know is excited to don green attire and chug beer. I'd like to hang out with my friends and not be a total drag. Any advice?

Sober in Kent


Dear Sober,

We have the perfect solution for you! First, get your green shirt on. Preferably something with long sleeves and a collar. Then find a great argyle vest to put on over the shirt. The louder the colors, the better. Don't worry if it clashes with the green. Then go out with your friends. About an hour into the fun, pull out your Instant Irish Accent Breath Spray and amaze your tipsy friends! Some phrases to practice now:

-I hear the secret Morse code in the Irish step dancing!

-My ninth step-cousin was Irish!

-May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go.

- As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction!

If you want to get really fancy, you could practice saying some phrases in Irish by studying the chart HERE . Once your friends have a few mugs o' beer, your routine will be greatly amusing. You'll be the life of the party without taking a single sip of beer.



Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!

Dear Wagon: Looking for Love in Kent

Dear Wagon,

As you know, Valentine's weekend is here. I'll be heading out dancing with my other single girlfriends. Any ideas how we might attract a guy or two as our dancing partners?

Looking for Love in Kent



Dear Looking for Love,

Yes, this romantic holiday is a little more fun when you have someone to dance and snuggle with. Don't worry, we know exactly what to do. Bacon Mints. Guys love bacon. You and your friends just need to keep a mint in your mouth at all times, and the guys will catch a whiff of that aroma they love more than life itself in no time!

But be forewarned: since this method of attracting a male does not discriminate (in other words, it will attract males that may not be found appealing by you and your friends), you need to have a way to scare off the ones you don't want to bust moves with to Rihanna or Lady Gaga. No problem. Just have another tin of mints ready to offer him when he bus driver's up to you: PMS Mints. Just simply smile, and offer him a mint, making sure he sees the the name. He's sure to do the locomotion in the other direction then.

Have fun, and Happy Valentine's Day!

Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!

Dear Wagon: I Hate Roommate's New Boyfriend

Dear Wagon,

My roommate's new boyfriend is really annoying. He is here way too much, and acts like he owns the place. Seriously, last week he was rifling through the medicine cabinet while I was in the shower! I've tried talking to my roommate about it, but she isn't listening. Can you think of a way to help?

Sincerely,
Hates Roommate's New Mate





Dear Hates Rooomie's Mate,

We at Off the Wagon believe that talking to your roommate about boundaries is the way to go. But since you said you already tried that, it might be time to get a little creative.

How about stuffing packs of "Don't Have Ugly Children" gum around your roommate's things (in her purse, in her night stand, on her side of the medicine cabinet, under her pillow, etc.). Once the boyfriend starts finding these around, one of two things is bound to happen: 1. He worries she is thinking about having kids, so he freaks and leaves. OR 2. He worries she is thinking of having kids, so he starts a huge fight with her, and she throws him out. Either way, your part of the problem is solved.

There is the slight possibility, however, that your roommate may confront you about the gum. If this happens, you could try to claim that you saw a picture of her boyfriend as a baby, and she really needs it. You claim you were only trying to help. You might be the one put out, but at least you won't have to deal with him any more, right?

-Off the Wagon


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Dear Wagon: Desperate to Be Free in Kent

Dear Wagon,

Valentine's Day is approaching. Here's the problem. I'd like to break up with my girlfriend, but have it look like her idea. Any advice?

Desperate to be Free
Kent, Ohio


Dear Desperate,

Ah, the approaching romantic holiday. We understand that flowers and candy don't always send the message you want. Now, you could be honest with your girlfriend and use the classic "it's not you, it's me line," but you seem to want something a little more creative.

How about sending her a Crazy Cat Woman action figure? Attach a note to it that reads, "This made me think of you and our future together. I couldn't wait until Valentine's Day to give it to you?" Give it to her the week before Valentine's Day. See if that does the trick. We'd be surprised if it doesn't.

Be prepared, though, for a lot of angry texts and Facebook posts from her and her besties after you deliver it. Good luck, and by the way, it does sound like it's you and not her.

-Off the Wagon

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