Dear Wagon: Curious About Giant Microbes

Dear Wagon,

I don't have a problem, just a question. Why do people buy Giant Microbes? I mean, who buys them, and what do they do with them?

Sincerely,
Curious in Kent


Dear Curious,

Ah yes, plush microbes! What's not to love? They're cute, cuddly, and educational. We've sold some to science teachers, doctors, college students, teens, and even grandmothers. As for what these folks do with them, here are some of the best ideas we've heard.

1. A woman bought a stuffed chlamydia plush toy to give to her boyfriend with a Dear John letter. We hear it was very effective.

2. A student who was placed on academic probation at KSU bought HIV to give to his parents when they came for a visit. He told them he had bad news, then gave them the plush microbe to open. Once they were crying and promising to support him through it all no matter what it took, he told them about his bad performance at college. They were so relieved he wasn't sick, they took him out to dinner to celebrate.

3. A teen bought a cuddly E. Coli friend to give to the lunch lady at his school to show her there were no hard feelings about the recent vomiting and stomach pains he had experienced after lunch one afternoon.

4. A grandmother bought the swine flu to give as her "secret sister" gift in her bridge club. The woman she was assigned was Jewish, so she thought this gift would acknowledge the wisdom of not eating pork.

5. A mother bought some herpes, HPV, and mono plush microbes to decorate her 13 year old daughter's room. "The colors look so nice on her bed. Plus, they will send my daughter a gentle reminder of what she doesn't need to be doing and why," they mother commented.

So as you can see, the possibilities are endless. Who wouldn't want a Giant Microbe? We'd love to hear what others do with their Giant Microbes! Tell us!


Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve humorously? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!

Broke & Hungry College Student in Kent Seeks Help

Dear Wagon,

I'm broke. See, I'm a college student, and it's that time of year where I've already spent all the extra cash my parents expected to last me until the end of May. I'd rather starve (which I'm actually doing at this point) than call my parents and ask for money to finish out the year. Any ideas on how to make my last $20 make it to the end of the school year?

Thanks,
Broke & Hungry in Kent


Dear Broke & Hungry,

We understand very well the situation you're in. Don't worry, we have a three-step approach to get you through the last weeks of college with only $20 to your name.

(1) First, spend a few bucks on some Ramen noodles. They're cheap, and they'll give you the energy and practice you're going to need for the second part of the plan.

(2) Get a Freeloader Fork. With this fork, you'll be able to swipe some snacks from friends when they're sitting across the table. They will never know it was you, if you're smart about it. Practice at home with your Ramen noodles. Place a bowl at different distances around your place and practice twirling and taking noodles with the fork extended at different lengths. When you're confident with your new stealthy food-swiping tool, go out to a restaurant with some friends. Tell them you're not hungry, so you're not ordering. Then once the conversation starts flowing, use your fork to abscond with some bites when no one is paying attention. This plan should work a couple of times at least, if you don't get too greedy.

(3) In between meals, keep your lips coated with Bacon lip balm. A little lick now and again just might trick your brain into thinking it's receiving some real nourishment. Plus, it will help hide the cracking and peeling of your lips that malnutrition can cause.

Good luck!


Do you have a problem or unique gift situation you'd like to ask Off the Wagon to help you solve humorously? We'd love to hear from you. Send us a private message in our inbox on our Facebook Page and we just might feature it on our blog!