Dear Wagon: Looking for Love in Kent

Dear Wagon,

As you know, Valentine's weekend is here. I'll be heading out dancing with my other single girlfriends. Any ideas how we might attract a guy or two as our dancing partners?

Looking for Love in Kent



Dear Looking for Love,

Yes, this romantic holiday is a little more fun when you have someone to dance and snuggle with. Don't worry, we know exactly what to do. Bacon Mints. Guys love bacon. You and your friends just need to keep a mint in your mouth at all times, and the guys will catch a whiff of that aroma they love more than life itself in no time!

But be forewarned: since this method of attracting a male does not discriminate (in other words, it will attract males that may not be found appealing by you and your friends), you need to have a way to scare off the ones you don't want to bust moves with to Rihanna or Lady Gaga. No problem. Just have another tin of mints ready to offer him when he bus driver's up to you: PMS Mints. Just simply smile, and offer him a mint, making sure he sees the the name. He's sure to do the locomotion in the other direction then.

Have fun, and Happy Valentine's Day!

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Dear Wagon: I Hate Roommate's New Boyfriend

Dear Wagon,

My roommate's new boyfriend is really annoying. He is here way too much, and acts like he owns the place. Seriously, last week he was rifling through the medicine cabinet while I was in the shower! I've tried talking to my roommate about it, but she isn't listening. Can you think of a way to help?

Sincerely,
Hates Roommate's New Mate





Dear Hates Rooomie's Mate,

We at Off the Wagon believe that talking to your roommate about boundaries is the way to go. But since you said you already tried that, it might be time to get a little creative.

How about stuffing packs of "Don't Have Ugly Children" gum around your roommate's things (in her purse, in her night stand, on her side of the medicine cabinet, under her pillow, etc.). Once the boyfriend starts finding these around, one of two things is bound to happen: 1. He worries she is thinking about having kids, so he freaks and leaves. OR 2. He worries she is thinking of having kids, so he starts a huge fight with her, and she throws him out. Either way, your part of the problem is solved.

There is the slight possibility, however, that your roommate may confront you about the gum. If this happens, you could try to claim that you saw a picture of her boyfriend as a baby, and she really needs it. You claim you were only trying to help. You might be the one put out, but at least you won't have to deal with him any more, right?

-Off the Wagon


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